older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
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Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Never be a pizza!
Start the year as you intend to continue.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.