There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
She was rare, like a goth jogging
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.