Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Bruh PLEASE
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
This will teach them to underestimate me
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!