Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The cashier just checked me out.
Namaste
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do