Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
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I’ve had relationships like this
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
(Gaming support cat.)
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.