Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
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I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I have a type: disappointing
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.