I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
inventing words: clothing
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.