Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
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The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.