Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
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You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees