I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
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Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.