*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
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If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
become ungovernable
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again