when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
How I like cutting carbs
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi