I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer