No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me checking my bank balance online.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries