I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me