I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
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April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.