If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
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Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇