[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
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Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …