Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
rapatouille
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.