dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Does this dress make me look cat?
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings