Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
You Might Also Like
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
This is why I hate group projects
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*