In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
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I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
British websites use biscuits.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet