“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
tourist season