Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
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I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Meowchelangelo
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying