I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
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[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.