Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.