[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You Might Also Like
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
just having fun
where do you see yourself in five years?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.