“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
Encore…
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
💯😂