FRED: right
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Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever