Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders