I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean