♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
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Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.