My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser