I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind