Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
channeling her this year
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake