If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My new favorite headline
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.