I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
🤣😂🤣
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.