Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
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[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”