Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
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There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Just why bro?!
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok