mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
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The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My what?
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME