If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
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The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.