People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
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Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
🛁
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.