I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
A wise man once said nothing.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf