911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
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[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth