everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
🤣🤣🤣
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
When a shoelace touches your ankle