Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone