Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
You Might Also Like
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Where’s my employee discount too?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?