no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?