*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You Might Also Like
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.