Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
that lip filler tho
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.